The next chapter and redefining my sexuality as a new single mom.

This last five years of my life, my mind has spent a lot of time frozen. As people have lived their lives, I have to confess I am still stuck in 2018. This was the year my aunt died of cervical cancer at age of 39.

Before this time, I was set to get married with my than fiancé of seven years. We were supposed to plan my dream with two friends to go to Hawaii and then buy house, start a family and have children. However, in the summer of 2017 a year after getting engaged, she cheated on me. We never recovered. I asked, " how are we going to fix this?" A question that never was answered. We spent our last Holidays together as we slowly drifted off. I didn't her the same and then January of 2018 I found out my aunt was already on stage four cervical cancer.

For year a nobody in my family informed me she had cancer. This is a situation that still haunts me. I told my ex about my aunt for emotional support. I needed someone to hold just hold my aching heart. Someone to be weak with behind closed doors. I wanted to be loved by the person I devoted my life to for seven years. I needed her. I thought that it didn't matter what we had been through we always had each other's back. It still pains me how wrong I was. I had to endure the embarrassment that she was cheating on me again.

At this point, I let her go. I lost my heart as I watched one of the strongest women die. I went through this process alone and had to deal a lot of change at the same time silently.

My ex and her new wife taught me the coldest lesson in life and that lesson was how selfish people were. One person wanted to be taken care of and the other wanted anything not to be single. I still don't understand how women in their 40's could act like children. All I knew is it had to live my life and make my dreams of writing poetry a reality.

One and only answer my ex left me about why she became cold over the years was one quote I will never forget. "I was jealous of your poetry." She was hated my passion and how I would get up in the middle of the night and write my thoughts and emotions. She hated when it was not about her, and I wanted more in life than just allowing my words to fade away with the ending of my life.

As life moved on my heart stayed broken and the wounds were as fresh as the day they were cut. I did meet a man from my childhood. A man that made me question my sexuality over the years. He was my first in 20 years. For a moment in time, I lost track of days, but my heart never mended. He claimed his heart was as broken as mine and I believed him.

In spring of 2020 world pandemic broke out. I spent my quarantine with him. In his house. A few months earlier, I was finally free of the lease I had been stuck on with my ex and we were free to move forward in our lives.

A few months into the pandemic, I found out I was pregnant. In fear that this man would make me get rid of my baby, I left his apartment. He made it clear he didn't want any more children. I did everything possible to prevent getting pregnant, but I believe God had a plan for my life.

When this man found out I left because I was pregnant, he did everything he could to get me to get rid of it. He first asked for an abortion than threated to have his cousins beat my ass. He then did everything he could to stress me out. Miles was born almost two months early.

I kept my pregnancy journey positive and never spoke about the threats to anyone for the sake of my son. He eventually seemed liked he was going to come around after disappearing a few times. There was something that always something that messed up my mind and it was that he would say I trapped him, and I have lived with him calling me this for the last two years while he has paid nothing in child support or been in our lives. It has become more pain that keeps piling up and keeps me frozen in time. A man I thought I trusted with all my heart was no different than my ex.

In order to explain my new chapter, I have to explain my past. A past that still haught my dreams. As I try and force myself to wake up from my constant nightmares, I see the world has changed without me there. It has left me wondering what now? As I try to forgive those that have hurt me in the past and myself it has left me feeling incomplete.

In this new chapter, I yearn for peace. I am tired of making a man that claims he loves me, and his son be what a man is supposed to be. I am tired of arguing with women that mean nothing to me. Women that want to be with a man abandon more than one child. I guess they believe the same story I fell for. There is a woman that knows his past and know the story and doesn't care. She is the woman I pity the most.

I never dated men before my son's father. I dated a few over the years and it doesn't feel right. I came out as gay at 19 and before than I never really dated anyone. I can count how many men I have been with on one hand. It never felt right. The only time in my life I have been confused is with one man. Since and after I have just not been interested in dating anyone.

My ex-fiancé left my heart lost. It made it hard for me to connect with any new women. If they even did one thing that reminded me of her, I moved on quickly. This has been a something I do often. The question is how everything fit together now with being a mom. The truth is I am not sure. I am taking the time to explore my sexuality as a single mom in her 30s. It is an adventure I am ready to learn as I wake up from 2018 ready to join the living again.