Motherhood

I fake a smile as I adjust to this new role called motherhood. Its been a year and 2 months since a world wide pandemic broke out. I lay here in bed writing in silence. I have to choose sleep or my passion these days. When my son Miles sleeps I have to sleep. This is not how my body functions. Most nights I just tire myself so my mind doesn't wonder. I try and hide my fear of what kind of mother I'll be. At 35 I never saw myself playing single mom. This time 2 years ago on my birthday, I am having fun with a man I have known all my life. I thought it was fate when we started getting intimate. He was my first man in 20 years. We both found strength from heartbreak in each other arms. My ex finance left me as my aunt died in July of 2018. This is the moment I felt my life change, May of 2019 was my time to feel on top of the world. It was my birthday, I had a book out and I was doing some modeling. In 2019 everyone was making money off my name. I just wanted my words out in the world. I wanted to heel from pain. The death of my aunt Stacey left me lost and confused. I didn't want to think most nights. I refuse to let my personal life defeat me. I still have a hard time comprehending how in 7 year relationship someone says they love you forever and picks a moment where my aunt is dying to leave me alone to be with another person. 7 years, an engagement and she decides to marry the woman she cheats on me a year later. I didn't understand anger until than. My anger blinded my judgement when it came to him. My childhood crush and an old best friend's bother. It didn't feel real at the time. We where just 2 distractions enjoying the ride. May 25, 2019 was a fun birthday. I was hanging with a good friend, him and his friend drinking and laughing. I felt free. No more ex and a fresh start. I was on the right track to getting back to Krystal. I felt empowered. I loved this version of Krystal. But I let myself get distracted. Distracted with him. Looking at the night sky from his 4 story high apartment. The diamonds stars brightened the sky giving hope of a new day. That was one of the good days. A great memory. This was when I still believe in him. In his goofy innocent nature. The boy I knew grew into a man I loved. I wouldn't think 20 years of friendship would end in the anger of pregnancy. One time I trusted in him and his family. Flash forward to May 25, 2020 the father of my future child is whispering on the phone " I'll give you my undying loyalty if I have an abortion." Something in my head is ringing this isn't right. He hides the truth of my pregnancy from everyone for a year. As if he wasn't telling me loved me and wanted to wife me up. Words I now take with him as an evil joke he tells me. It becomes complicated as I try to work with him and his family. I am trying to be understanding of his sick mother fighting cancer. I give him money as a pregnant woman alone to help pay for her medication. I do anything to help a family I once loved as my own. His sister and I lost to a friendship over a petty fight. If there was any other reason she chose to end the friendship I am unaware. I have apologized over the years for hurting her feelings during senior year grad night. I have even tried rekindling the friendship throughout the years but I understand not everyone can forgive as easy. I think a lot to do with her and her mom's choice to keep me far away was my sexuality. Growing up it was expressed the disapproval of homosexuality in this family. 2006 under this confession of my attraction to women didn't met his mother's approval. Years later I can only imagine how she felt on the love between her son and I. It must have been horrifying for her. It is not her influence alone. If this man loved me he would have fought for me. Rather, he told my mother my worthy of love past friendship. At this moment, I feel so much resentment for the man I once thought of as a hero. I really loved the father of my child. I may still love him. I find myself angry with him for allowing a deep connection to fade into that diamond sky of stars that once held all ours dreams among them. Even when my son was first born I had all theses hopes of him coming around when he saw how beautiful this little boy was. The first time Miles ear was against that chest in the hospital, I found the real love of my life that night. The father of my child played nice here and there but some how resents and reminds me this my fault. This anger of the toxic situation only makes me love him less. After having a recent conversation with his mother who solely blamed me for his and my love affair. The anger and pain continues to erupt. I don't know how to let all go. I mask mu pain with a small fake smile. This gives my son the allusion that I am happy. Deep down inside i am fighting postpartum, heartbreak and a drastic lifestyle change all at the same time. Being a first time mom alone has put me in some dark places. I went days without sleeping the first months. It was some of the most depressing moments I've endured. I am now going into 7 months as a mom and now I am beginning to adjust as a mom. I am finally going back to work and putting my son in school the next step is finding a balance between mom and me. Between writer and parent. Writing keeps my heart beating and so does my Miles. There are so many outlets. I decided to get off social media and do some private writing. I often time have a lot of pent up words out of order in my head. I want to speak of my emotions, but I can't. I can only write things on paper. I am a writer always even as life transpire into into the form of motherhood.