Learning to remove toxic people and traits within yourself.

As humans, we all naturally want to love and be loved. You cannot deny this simple yearning of emotion. The problem is not everyone we love always loves us in return or doesn't love us the way we deserve. We are left asking many questions. Are we being the toxic person in the situation or are we loving a toxic person? As we get older, we begin to feel pain. I have observed in my 30s why people are single. People who are single in their 30s seem to be dealing with trying to love their selves right or block the pain of past relationships. Either way it seems to be people in their 30s trying to deal with trauma felt from the past. At this time in my life, I see things with different eyes. It is as if the doctors have written me prescription for a reality check. Since my breakup in 2018 and the death of my aunt, I have learned to pay more attention to detail. I have been in two abusive relationships and two with cheating spouses. In total, I have been in three relationships that were serious. Does this make me an expert in relationships? Nope. I am far from understanding how to cohabitate with someone. In fact, as I have stated, I am one of those people in my 30s scared of commit. I sit back in silence and watch the toxic traits of people I date rise from the dark parts of themselves. As fears and insecure side possess the logical sides. When this happens I either stop conversing with them, break it off or just start deciding to be friends with them. This happens to me as well. I believe this is the healthiest way to deal with toxic traits within people including ourselves. We are not always bad people but could have triggers warnings that go off over past trauma. If you're someone that is finding themselves being triggered easily by every word some says. Please seek help before becoming abusive. For the rest, if someone triggers you, they are not for you walk away. In my 20s, I use to ignore "the signs " of abuse out of love. The signs are those warnings we see in a new relationship we ignore because "we love them." If you have to excuse someone's behavior this is a very early sign of abuse arising. No, you're never going to change someone and no they will never change for you on your terms. Someone has to want to change on their own. Know the difference. I say this out of experience. In my own childhood trauma, I have become an adult the ones to help. I want to save everyone. I will call this "superhero" trauma. Superhero trauma is when someone that is damaged and wants people to love them so bad, they avoid dealing with their own damaged soul and tries to save other damage people as an escape. This is a toxic trait in itself, because nobody can save someone that doesn't want to be saved from their addictions. I have been a prisoner of wanting to save my partners from themselves so many times that I have lost myself over the years. This toxic trait within myself is one I am working on to erase about my personality. I have made myself a victim of other people's anger because I have mistaken this as love. If someone calls you names after having a bad day or beats on you with fists, they don't love you. If it gets to a point where both of you are not liking each other. It is a toxic situation. It is okay for to people to take some time apart to evaluate their toxic traits and work things out with each other out of love. However, if both people continue to contribute to intentionally hurting each other it is not love. If we truly love someone and ourselves, we need to understand when it is time to remove toxic people from our lives. We all in some ways are toxic people to someone. As humans sometimes we don't connect with everyone and that is okay. Not everyone is for us. The key is to find a balance with others. Knowing how to conquer our own trauma is one of the best ways to start. If you are coming out of a bad relationship or losing a loved one. This is the time for much needed alone time and counseling. When I was 19, I was raped. I never talked about it for years and let my pain build up. None of my family helped me nor did relationships. I thought this was how I should deal with my trauma. I would throw it to others to save me or help save others. I would have moments of outburst at odd times in social gatherings and in private moments with loved ones. It just got worse over time. If someone has not been through your experience, they cannot heal you. Once I started talking to someone, I was able to begin healing. Healing is a lifelong journey. Like cuts on the skin of my body, they are always there as a reminder of the day they formed. These scars might be old on the surface of the skin, but deep down they can be as fresh as the day they formed. Every memory of pain and abuse lives within my soul as if it happened that hour. One of the hardest things I needed to do is forgive myself and others. I also needed to accept others I have wronged will not always forgive me. It is okay to forgive myself and walk away. This is where my healing begins. I am still in the healing process years later. Years after my rape, being beat on, emotionally abused, death and other hidden pain all still plague me. What is the positive side? I am able to open discuss it without being angry. Well? I am not angry all the time anymore. Everything is a day-to-day process. The best thing to do is to surround yourself with positive people and positive environment. If someone is tearing, you down or not loving you at your worst or contributing to pain and abuse in your life. Please walk away. I find my circle of friends getting smaller and smaller all the time. Small groups of people or community groups that help you at your best is some of the best ways to keep toxic people away. If you are unsure if someone is being toxic read the signs. Abuse does not have be physical to be traumatizing. If someone is not uplifting you but pulling you down that is a toxic situation, and it is time to move into a new beginning. Learn what is best for your mental health and power to the best part of yourself.