Healthy and Toxic

"I never felt this healthy before," are words referring to a healthy relationship in an Alanis Morissette song. I never really understood that line as a child, but it always stood out to my ear. As an adult the term toxic relationship has been the definition of my life when it comes to love and commit. I never really knew my father and grew up around abuse on many levels. Its hard to explain my heart now as I have become an adult. My last relationship with my ex finance left me feeling battered. The father of my child was the definition of abandonment and I regret my son has the same problems into his generation. In order to really dive deep, I have to dive deep within my soul. What is a healthy relationship? I admit I don't know. I recently met a man I will call Virgin Island. Virgin Island and I started out intense and it's leaving me puzzled, because he too only knows only toxic relationships. Its a connection I don't want lose, but the healthy thing gives me fear time. We both fear not loving ourselves first. In the past I wanted to kick and scream, beg for a lover to stay past their expiration date. This is not how healthy is created. I don't understand why my first instinct is to act in such a scared manner. I want to continue to grow as a person. I guess sometime alone is what I need at this time. I never really healed from ex finance and father of my child only deepen a hole of pain like pollution. Its hard to clear up after years of emptiness. I feel like a hollow shell of who once was and I can't get her back. Sometimes I wonder if Virgin Island is one of the few genuine good guys out there or if such a man exist. Although I am 35 I have only recently started dating men. After Ex Finance and I split something inside me feels traumatized with women. Logically I know not every woman in the world isn't to blame. After being physically beaten and verbally abused, I have a new problem attracting battered men. It is the weirdest mental plot twist I could ever write. I often ponder why as this woman who identified as a lesbian to have such drastic change. I really can't answer the question. I hope deep down I am just loving a person not a gender. I really don't feel the need to be loved. In fact I often want to throw that story in the trash and move forward. As a human, sometimes I just yearn the company of a partner and enjoy companionship. Sometimes sex is nice to. I am use to relationships so I just want to safely have sex and fun with one person. For women its so much easier for me. We just want a nut from time to time with a deeper connection. Maybe it will lead to something and maybe it won't. I know some women consider love as an investment and sometimes. If we invest time we can't just walk away as easy. It sometimes takes years to walk away. Granted its not always this easy for us to. We love to love. Now that I have a son, I enter a new chapter in my life. One I don't completely understand. I am so happy to be starting a family with him. I have spent to long dealing with toxic love that this can be a shot at healthy love. I just don't want my insecurities to make me codependent on my son later in life. One thing I know is he'll always have a safe place with me in a cruel world of toxic people. My baby father tries to make me feel bad every time I have a struggle with him. After all doing this alone is a learn as I go process. He uses my lesbian past against me and uses the words " I wanted this" I guess he wants to shame for not giving into an abortion he wanted. He is so scared of child support than loving his actual son. "Already had my son, " hessays.My son's father does only the bare minimum for one of his 3 children. His family enables thoughts to him and has no real care of his other children. After talking to his mother I realize this toxic behavior. A healthy mother makes her son own his responsibilities and accepts whatever children that son creates regardless of hating a mother he creates a child with. This man only calls me to get something out of me. He usually tries to manipulate me with a relationship. He tried once to get me to have an abortion. I can't explain the trauma and stress he has caused me. I've asked for apologies and he still claims I trapped him. Father believes I deserve this he has even laughed at my postpartum after giving birth. I called him and he told me to call someone else. He refused to go to the hospital so it would take a while to get him on child support I haven't filed. Now when mothers see me around their sons I guess they say run. I don't know how I would handle my son's relationships in the future. I just want him to be happy. I can't say I am perfect. My anger has made me change in ways I can't explain. Fast forward back to Virgin Island Man I guess in some ways I don't trust him. I feel like trauma wont allow me to trust anyone. I want to and I guess time will tell. I don't understand healthy when it comes to personal relationship. I am just human with emotions just trying to figure out this new single mother chapter. I hope I go into it learning the meaning of healthy relationships with all people I allow into my life.