Num

Have you ever hit a point in life where you're just feel num to the world? Where feelings fade in and out like the distance essence of time? I often feel num like I am drugged up heavenly. Moments where I don't feel my own toes. Num like my mind doesn't focus on thoughts, because memories are so overwhelming. Everyone deals with trauma and pain in different ways. Its not fair to tell someone how to feel. I may feel like I am high often at times but this is a natural aloof feeling. I have become distance from allowing my emotions to functions more than a simple cry here and there. I recently tried to have a reaction to heartbreak, but I can't react the way I use to. My heart has lost faith in the goodness of others. Anger, sadness and happiness has been replaced with this weird num feeling to it all. On the surface I am positive. I have to be, if I am not, nobody else is. Life has become more of living day by day and thought by thought. My life goals of being a mom and a writer are very important to me. I want to make sure I am able to give my son the best and finishing my masters degree in writing is very cruel on making those dreams a reality. As I sit with my little man and watch hom grow and change I smile. My happiness for his existence is worth everything I've been through with his dad to keep him alive. Even with all this, parts of my heart can't stand to feel and I go num.