Dear Krystal

Dear Krystal, I have been though so much in life it's very hard to process sometimes. In order to keep going I have to turn off the emotions or channel them into my writing. I don't know what I would have done without a journal in my childhood. I needed a place to distract my mind from listening to any of my steps father's either hit my mother, listen to her let them degrade her race or choose a step family over her own daughter. At the age of 17, I was thrown out because I didn't act "white" enough for my mother's new family. It's hard enough to be biracial, but when they tried to delete our Afro-latino heritage, I really got lost in myself. Without an identity, I became my worst enemy. I had to Hussle in the streets to live and I was lucky to have found a way to get a roof over my head. Once I got on my feet the damage was already playing in my mind on repeat. As hard as I tried I couldn't take them back, I must have lost the receipt. The only thing I know how to do is be alone and I didn't want that so I sold myself short to people not worth my time. Having low- self esteem wasn't planned, it was imprint like an invisible tattoo. I wanted to feel the love I didn't get growing up.My father was in jail or absent and mother had issues of her own. All I've ever wanted was her love or someone to save me knowing my mother hated me. Krystal you don't need saving you need to forgive yourself even family isn't worth your mental health. I will no longer give into negative vibes no matter who you are. You're either here when I'm down, because if I'm high I don't want you around. Krystal it wasn't your fault you were beat down. It's time to let go of the trust issues. You're not vain if you spend time loving yourself instead of a woman who isn't being there when your aunt's going through stage four cancer. You don't owe not one person a fucking answer. I'm just going to let go and move forward focusing on what it means to be great. I'm done with bullshit, moving away from the fake. Tomorrow will always be a better day. As long as I stay focused and never stray away. 1) I forgive myself for ever allowing anyone to walk all over me. 2) For not loving myself first! ( This is slowly changing. I'm fucking amazing! If one can't see that I'LL always have my OWN back) 3) For never being able to please my mother! (I refuse to live a lie or allow her to make me cry. I will not let a woman who left me for dead for a man's money ever affect my mind again!) With that all this said I forgive myself and work on continuing to strive for better. Never looking back but constantly forward. The past will no longer haunt me rather be my ultimate victory. What I go through will only be the fuel to my ever growing wisdom as I continue and create my own kingdom. Sincerely a Queen, Krystal